Changing Outlook

     Today, driving home from yet another doctors appointment, I thought about my outlook on my life.  Many of you know, I choose to not always "update" or post about what my daily life is about on Social Media.   This is a conscious choice.
In the last 5 years, I've been more instrospective and not having anything to say on certain topics.  I realized that hearing my lung transplant team tell me there was nothing more they could do for me (5 years now), hit me mentally harder than I thought. Yes, I'm determined to prove them wrong, but it does take a toll on one hearing that kind of news.  A person never gets used to it.

     Why post about my daily struggles ? Because no one really needs any more to bring them down. Many choose to allow too much negativity in their daily lives already.
I see no need to be Social about my pain, and anything else that goes along with my many surgeries.
I would rather bear this Cross I've been handed with dignity, and allow you my friends to lift me emotionally throughout the day. That is what friends do, right ?

Plus my Momma always said, if you have nothing nice to say...... in the days of social media- keep scrolling. 

     I find that instead of letting my life get me down, I try to find joy in the simple things- EVERY day.
While I was waiting for my 2nd lung transplant & on oxygen (again), my day started with sitting outside on the step, with a cup of coffee welcoming the sunrise. I could have hit FaceBook with "I didn't sleep again !" or "I'm so tired and exhausted "  instead I find that positive ray of sunshine to brighten my day.

When Nelson drops his tennis ball while I'm eating, I get up and play a few minutes of fetch. My food can wait. Time with Nelson cannot. He's happy, it warms my heart and makes me smile.

My morning is best spent sitting in a lounger outside watching him wait for squirrely or chase lizards.  The simple things can bring so much positive into our lives.

 A simple touch from Larry, or one of his practical jokes warms my heart. It means more than any store bought item he could ever give me. It reinforces our life together, & gives me that much needed boost to keep fighting.

Laughter and smiles- that's the key. So let's stop the name calling, finger pointing, and hatred- life can be negative enough, right?

Closing for the day- Nelson is unhappily on the couch alone & needs loving..

Chronic A-Fib Living with or Existing ?

     September 24,2017 I woke about 3AM with a choking cough, due to the chronic rejection. This time nothing would move. I honestly felt it was to be my last few breaths. I managed a slight intake of breath and blasted air out giving it my one last time.   Finally- relief, I could breathe. 

But, I triggered my A-fib.  And it has stayed with me ever since, like a long lost enemy.  Believe me when I say - it is NOT a long lost friend.

All the other "episodes" would correct themselves within a few days. The one previous to this, I went to my Cardiologist and received an IV until it corrected back to my normal heart rhythm.

     If you follow this blog, you may remember I cannot take any anti-coagulants due to hemorrhaging from my right lung in 2014. A very scary summer I have no desire to repeat anytime soon.
However, I am again taking a chance.  October 6,  still having an erratic heart rate, I visited my Cardiologist. We had to stop the Multaq, not recommended for long term A-Fib. This has given my heart free reign on being all over the spectrum as to rhythm.  Metoprolol went from 12.5mg to 75 mg twice a day, started Digoxin, and Xarelto. Yes, I asked for a blood thinner until we can at least try ablation or anything to keep me from a stroke. Imagine feeling great and so well managed on minimal doses to having Saurons army of Orcs pounding inside your chest wanting out.
We also discussed me getting the Watchman implanted in my left Atrial appendage. This would mean no more blood thinners !

     In the middle of all this, I had other appointments, and did battle with my lung transplant team. They did not want me taking Xarelto or having ANY devices implanted at this time. My cardiologist called on the 6th, left them a message and we waited. Monday, I called them and did the one thing I most regret. I told them I was doing as my Cardiologist recommended as I had heard nothing from them. This is the culmination of a few mistakes that I question them making in dealing with my health.  My Cardiologist again called and finally got a return call.   What ensued between my transplant center may have them kicking me out of the program. I.E.  calling in a Rx for Levacquin (I cannot take) and then calling another Rx into a mail order for 3 tablets of Levacquin. Why would anyone call in an antibiotic a patient needs NOW, to a mail order that will take 2 weeks to get to you? Three tablets ??? Seriously ?!?  My right lung would laugh hysterically at that paltry defense, break out the catapults and gloriously defeat such a minute attack ! They also called in Gabapentin, to help with my cough, which is getting beyond controllable even with Tussionex. I can count on one hand the number of good nights sleep I've had in 5 years..  Once I read the side effects, I said nope, nada, no way. I am disappointed enough in how this is being handled, I refuse to take anything that could enhance that feeling. So, I am dealing with the cough. As usual.

     The 16th was an appointment for a CTA of my heart to see if I can be a candidate for the Watchman. We failed. I was too nauseaus and the contrast (which I had to get permission for from my kidney transplant team) would make me sicker.. Oh yay ! We tried again yesterday, after 3 tries they could not get an IV catheter to go in far enough to inject the dye, plus my heart beat was all over the spectrum.. 19-150-68-120-52-49-113  yep that was me...  Now we will try again on the 27th at the hospital where they will access my port instead of a vein.

       I am concerned. The contrast could damage my transplanted kidney. To insert the watchman they will have to create a small puncture through the septum wall between the Atrium chambers. The same wall that was repaired 26 years ago to end my Primary Pulmonary Hypertension along with my bilateral lung transplant. The electrophysiologist promised to plug that hole really well... Hopefully I can also get ablation done to correct this darned A-Fib.  My shortness of breath has increased 3-fold. AFib causes it as well as my chronic rejection. I need this corrected so I can tell when my rejection gets worse.

     It is a lovely sunny Saturday, me & Ozzi are delivering goodies to a local pet rescue and then me, him & the Orcs will relax outside and try to read an uplifting book.

I.Am.Still.Here.
I.Am.Alive
I.Got.This.


   

Finally News I can Smile About !

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I've been bleeding internally since 2013, in 2014 we found it was from my right lung. Yeah the bad one from my 1st transplant 24 years ago..
I guess after all this time, it has a right to protest the captivity :)

While my transplant team also sent me home in 2014 with the statement, there's really nothing more we can do, and I accepted it to a degree, I also decided this was my fight.  That being said after 3 long years of becoming thoroughly exhausted from that long 3.5 hour one way drive to Shands and waking at 2AM to do the drive......  My PFTs  have risen !!!  My lung function is better, not where I'd love it to be,but better. We lungers will happily take any good news we can get..I watched as  my lung function has steadily declined over the past years but three months ago it stabilized...   Insert brief hope here :)

This visit they are up a bit ! I'm feeling better, not where I would like to be , but enough to get housework, yard work, etc done at my own pace without massive fatigue and continual naps.
Ozzi may not be happy with me skipping an afternoon nap here and there, but I will certainly  make it up to him somehow.

I have stopped all nebulizers. The excruciating ear pain causing the worst case scenario of vertigo imaginable brought on that decision.  It will also save me close to $400 a month. I know I will go back on it sometime soon,, just not now. I also recognize that the summer months June, July & August are my "magical" months.. You know, the ones where I end up in the hospital and have to claw my way out. I am preparing for those months, and this year am determined they will be my friend- no hospital.After all, what is 3 measley months out of 12 anyway?

We transplant patients don't "bounce back" like healthy folks, mine took 3 years..

All my other issues are still with me, but this I had to shout. I have worked hard for this glimmer and I intend to celebrate !

Oh, and the best yet ! Kidney and Lung Transplant told me, they didn't know what I was doing- just KEEP DOING IT ...


Be someone's Miracle- Become and Organ and Tissue Donor

It's That Kind Of Day

Have you ever had a bad day and said that. "I'm having that kind of day." For a long time I changed it slightly and said "I'm having one of those lives."You know the kind. You can't seem to get ahead, you feel like the world is crashing in around you. And you seem to be the only one holding it up with your small, weak TWO hands.
Being one of the "chronic/terminal" humans in life, can make life seem daunting. Not only am I struggling against everyday obstacles like everyone else, I also have the medical struggle for survival. So many times I wish I only had to see one doctor one time in one year. Can you spell relief? Ever wonder what heaven on earth would feel like. For me, read the above sentence again.
This is where I talk about support systems. I had a truly magnificent support system with all three of my organ transplants. In fact, if not for my parents and family I might not have seen the first one. With the loss of my Daddy this support system seemed to crumble. I've learned mentally to handle times on end in the hospital alone. This includes holidays, birthdays, etc. I thank God I love to read and create. That and wear holes in the carpet or tile from walking the wing so much. I am a survivor.
 We ALL need a champion pushing us on to newer heights and accomplishments. A sounding board. A confidante. That One True Friend. I've always been a loner, mainly because no one wants to see someone waste away and die on them. No ONE. Been there, experienced that, overcame the hurt and grew stronger.
Throughout my life I could always count my true friends on one hand. Most times on one finger. Anyone can have tons of friends or be popular. I'm referring to that One True Friend.
That special friend you seem to have an honest trust with. You can tell this friend anything, even your deepest darkest secrets and fears. You have such a strong trust and truthfulness between you, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt they will NOT betray that trust and tell. Nor will they ever leave your side, even if you inadvertently push them away. This friend is always there in the shadows, quietly waiting for when you need them.
This friendship should be cherished and honored for it is so rare to find. There will be times of hurt, but this friendship will endure even when you think it will not. This is the support system we all need. It is equal on both sides.
I have had this one true friend only once in my life. I miss our talks. Our debates. Mostly I miss someone who will listen to all my fears about my health and still be my champion. Someone who was there all the time no matter what.
Now however it is my time to quietly wait in the shadows until I am needed. Whenever that may be. Dear friend, I am here.