Finding Myself

I am once again sitting upright in my recliner (since 2AM) with the boys trying to yet again stop coughing. My lack of sleep does give me a bit of thinking time.

Looking back I seem to have left "me" somewhere.  I can just see myself at a roadside rest stop patiently waiting for me to come to the rescue.

I always had such determination, where has it gone ? My health has always been my health#1priority, but now I'm just tired.

I realize it's a culmination of events, and finding a way to jump the hurdle.  2002 was my 2nd lung transplant, giving me Blessed freedom from oxygen.  But I came home from the hospital knowing I would need a new kidney.
November 2004 I got the fistula placed in my upper right arm in case of dialysis (which was looming on the horizon. ). Taking 6 months to heal and "cure" put a dent in my exercise routine.
Just as it healed, May 2005 I got a new kidney!

My right abdomen groaned with each step.... no treadmill..
Many of my meds to protect my kidneys were now stopped, which created that heart disease rearing to be noticed. I got a pacemaker. No lifting, exercising,  etc for awhile. Then came SVT ....and heart ablation.  Again no exercise.
What followed through the years was a series of at home IV infusions for Pseudomonas in my right (old transplant) lung, ending with spending 9 months taking Levacquin 750 mg & Keflex 500 mg daily.  Both causing insomnia to the point I thought I was dreaming I was awake !

2012 was a bad year. Picc line for more antibiotics, plus more Levacquin (wonder if I glow neon in the dark yet ). Then a port to make IV's easier. And just when I thought it was now MY time here comes Keratoacanthoma and 3 months wait to have it removed. That is healed and in the past-so guess what is visiting now?

Most of my days are spent in a routine.
1. drink a bottle of water fast and hug the porcelain throne hoping to bring all this gunk out of my right lung, so I don't cough continually all day long.  And it's one of these gut wrenching coughs, causing teary eyes and abdonimal muscle cramps.
If I don't get it loose and away, it blocks my airways and at times making me gasp for air and choke. It doesn't help my biggest fear is suffocating. Not a good feeling to wake from a nice, peaceful REM sleep to gasping the rest of the night.

The loss of my lil Dibs has created another chasm to jump. My lil guy has been with me through it all, on my lap or laying next to me.  8 weeks and it feels like forever. I tear up just trying to type his name :(

So here I sit, close to 5AM now,  thinking how to reclaim Me again..
My middle man cuddled up close (a first, making me smile), I take a sip of lukewarm coffee, 30 minutes and my morning IV will be ready to start.  I 'll trudge to the counter, holding my left side-diverticulitis has chosen to pay me a visit, grab the syringes and IV  and start my day.